


your eyes black like an animal

by ashintuku



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Changing Tenses, Character Study, Fragmented Writing, Gen, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 02:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5989519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashintuku/pseuds/ashintuku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And Ben Solo-Organa? </p><p>Who was Ben Solo-Organa? </p><p>Who was he? <i>Who was he?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	your eyes black like an animal

When he was ten years old, Ben Solo-Organa drowned.

A life of a smuggling father and politicking mother swirled around him, climbing higher and higher as he learned more and more that he was not just a little boy - he was a _legacy_. 

_You're Solo's boy_. 

_You're Senator Organa's son_. 

_Your uncle is the Last Jedi_. 

He was raised by legends - war heroes - household names. Lando Calrissian gave him birthday presents and Chewbacca the Wookie taught him shryiiwook; Admiral Ackbar told him stories during lazy summer days and Wedge Antilles once took him _flying_. His mother was a genius - his father was a scoundrel but respected. His uncle was a _Skywalker_. His grandfather was _the_ Skywalker, the one who started it all - Anakin Skywalker, _Jedi_ and _hero_ and _redeemed_. 

And Ben Solo-Organa? 

Who was Ben Solo-Organa? 

Who was he? _Who was he?_

He was a son. He was a famous man's son. A famous woman's son. He was _someone else's_. He had never been his own. Had never been a person on his own. Not even his name was his own, he shared his name with someone beyond legends - the man who trained _Anakin Skywalker_. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Old Ben Kenobi, Ben, Ben Solo-Organa, he was _Ben_ \-- 

When he was ten years old, Ben-Solo-Organa _drowned_. 

Light twisted inside of him, catching in the cracks; catching in the ragged edges where he tried to be a person all on his own. 

_You're Solo's boy_ \-- no, no, he was _his own_ he was _his own boy_ he wasn't Solo's, he was his _own_ \-- 

_Your uncle is the Last Jedi_ but he was a Jedi, _too_ , he was a _Jedi, too_ , why was Uncle Luke still the Last if _he was a Jedi, too_ \--

 _You're Senator Organa's son_. ...Yes. He was Organa's son. He was Leia Organa's son - Princess Leia's son, anger and hate and sloping shoulders and mourning. Love and power and determination and stubbornness. He was _Leia Organa's son_. 

Uncle took him away from Mother and Solo and trained him; and he drowned, he _drowned_ , because the Light was everywhere, all around him, and it caught into his mind and it twisted around his limbs and it dragged him down, down, down-- 

_Who are you?_

A whisper, soft like cotton over stone; hissing and faint and all his own. 

_Who are you?_

The Light shuddered and tightened around him, squeezing around him, _choking him_ \-- 

_Who **are** you?_

He didn't know, he didn't know anymore, he was Ben and Solo and Organa, he was _Organa's_ \-- 

_You are Vader's_. 

Vader? 

_You are Darth Vader's_. 

_Vader?_

_Yes._

When he was ten years old, Ben-Solo-Organa's _drowned_.

~+~

Pale fingers picked through the Light and loosened it from his neck, and he breathed, he _breathed_ , and grasped the hand and--

~+~

"Ben! _Ben!_ NO!" 

"I am not Ben. I am _not Ben_ I am not I am not I am _not_ \--" 

~+~

He was fifteen and red flickered-hummed-sputtered- _spat_ , released three ways, cracked down the middle. Bodies surrounded him, Knights in Black stood silent behind him, and his lightsabre's crystal _screamed_ and he _screamed_ and the mask's apparatus made it appear like breathing. 

He was Organa's. 

_He was Vader's_. 

(He was not Ben.) 

~+~

The Light swarmed him, threatened to spill into his mouth and into his eyes, threatened to choke him and kill him and drag him back under; bloating his corpse with _Light_ and _Light_ and _Light_ and--

 _The Light side of the Force is patience it is kindness it is goodness, Ben, it is **goodness**_ \--

He turned from it, ran from it, killed and killed and killed; carved out himself in bodies and bodies piling around him, cooked meat and spoiling blood. He hid his face with Solo's nose and Uncle's chin; his Mother's pain and Grandfather's rage all behind the mask. The mask that was imperfect, the mask that was rough and raw. 

He gave himself a noose, gave himself apparatus, made it difficult to _breathe_. 

_The Light side of the Force is patience it is kindness it is goodness, Ben, it is_ \--

He strangled it, strangled the Light, smothered it with blackout curtains. 

The Dark side of the Force was rage it was cruelty it was brutality it was-- 

_The Dark side of the Force is giving up, Ben, it is giving up, it is taking the easy road_ \-- 

How was it easy? How? _How?_ How was it easy when the Light dragged him back and back and he had to fight to touch fingers with Dark? How was it easy how was _any of it easy_ \--

 _It is **giving up** , Ben_\--

He was not Ben. 

He was Organa's. 

He was Vader's. 

_You are Kylo Ren_.

~+~

Kylo Ren dreams of Solo and the _Falcon_ and he dreams of laughing and memories. 

Kylo Ren dreams of being lifted towards the sky and screaming in delight because he is five years old and the world is still his. The world is still his and he is still his and people don't tell him who he is until he is older and knows the histories. 

Kylo Ren dreams of Ben Solo-Organa and he wakes up screaming.

~+~

He woke up and spat out blood, and his tongue bled over his teeth, staining them red; staining his lips and chin red. He woke up screaming and shaking and the whisper-soft voice ran pale fingers through his hair and tugged his head back; blood sliding slick down his throat, and he stared wide-eyed-sightless at the world above him and drowned in _Light_.

~+~

 _You are Vader's_. 

He was Vader's. He was Darth Vader's grandson, his _legacy_ , and he would finish what he started. He would take the galaxy into his hands and he would twist it into his own vision; he would bring peace to a world of chaos made from democracy and choice and freedom. He would take the people's wills and he would bend them to his - to Vader's - to-- 

_You are **mine**_. 

He would take and he would take and he would do it all for _master_. 

For _leader_. 

_You are Vader's_. 

He was Snoke's.

~+~

Kylo Ren went to Endor, traipsing through the woods until he found the decades-old funeral pyre. 

He dug through the ashes and the grave dirt, apparatus protecting him from the dust but his tongue still tasting charred bone and crisped flesh and _memory_. Dug through the remains of a man redeemed, and dragged out the helmet of a man who threw himself into the fire for love. For power. For power to protect love, and that was pure-- that was _pure_ \--

 _There is no passion, there is serenity (Through passion I gain strength) **Shâsotjontû châtsatul nu tyûk**_.

Brittle-burnt bone shifted and fell from the delicate helmet, and he cradled it close to his heart, looking down at it with awe and wonder. 

_Darth Vader redeemed himself, he killed the Emperor, he died as Anakin - and that was the amazing thing, Ben, that was the amazing thing_ \-- 

He stood and left the pyre behind, Anakin's skull trailing out from Vader's helm behind him.

~+~

"I will finish what you started, grandfather, I will finish what you started. I will finish it. Luke Skywalker stopped you and Han Solo stopped you and I will finish it, grandfather, I promise, I _promise_ \--" 

~+~

Kylo Ren met Hux when Hux was a General and full of himself. He hated him on sight, because Hux knew himself and was sure of himself and never questioned anything he did. 

Kylo Ren was an animal trapped in a cage, prowling and pacing and snarling at anything that got too close, drowning in Light, choking on Light. He was trying to do his grandfather proud and his master proud and his Mother-- 

His Mother. 

His Mother was hated by the Senate. 

She spoke out too much. 

She warned them too much. 

No one wanted to accept that their fragile peace was already breaking, cracked on the foundations. The First Order grew around him, Hux leading and Hux sure, and he prowled; he paced; he snarled and sneered and _screamed_. 

_Feel the Force around you, Ben, feel it - just **breathe**_ \-- 

He gasped. 

~+~

Ben is seven and Mother has brought him to a beautiful moon, and there is a boy with curls and bright eyes and a lazy smile watching him curiously. The boy takes his hand, brings him to the Tree, and the Tree is so bright it _pulsates_ , and he grips his head and _whines_. 

The boy wraps his arms around Ben's shoulders and whispers that it's okay, but it's not okay, _it's not_ , he can see it in his Mother's eyes. 

It is not okay. 

~+~

"Please, Mother, please, I'll be good, I'll be good, please don't send me away--!" 

"Leia, do we have to-- Leia, c'mon, _Leia_ \--" 

"Han, we have to - we _have to_ , I'm so sorry, Ben, I'm so sorry, love, you'll be okay, you'll be with Uncle Luke. Uncle Luke's going to help you, you'll see." 

"Mother, please, _please_ \--! Mother, please!" 

"Come on, Ben, come on, it's okay, come on." 

" _Mother_!" 

~+~

Bright eyes dulled from pain, a mouth made for lazy smiles pulled back in a lacklustre sneer, blood dripping from damp, lifeless curls-- 

_It's okay, it's okay_ \-- 

"I had no idea we had the best pilot of the Resistance on board." 

The boy who was a man, now, glared at him, still so sure of himself even when he was strapped down, bruised, bleeding, short of breath. He knew himself. He _knew himself_. 

Poe Dameron. Just Poe Dameron. No one else's, just his own person. 

_Organa's_. 

_Vader's_. 

_Snoke's_. 

"Comfortable?" 

He reached into Poe's Dameron mind and _tore_. 

~+~

 _The Force is patience, it is control, you must always be in control, Ben, **always** in control_.

But control slipped out of his fingers into spitting red and burned away, and he screamed and sparks flew into his face; into his eyes; onto his skin, sizzling and burning away, and he stabbed and he stabbed and he stabbed; his breathing growing harder and harder as the Light climbed up his throat and into his mouth and _he drowned_.

~+~

Kylo Ren watched the Stormtroopers as they marched in rows of two-by-twos. He watched them as they walked by, faceless soldier among faceless soldier, and he was one of them. They were the First Order's; they were Snoke's; they were Hux's. 

He was just like them. 

So when one removed his helmet, became a person, learned to have an identity outside of what they were _given_ , Kylo Ren felt betrayed. 

FN-2187. 

_FN-2187 who was Finn who was his own_. 

FN-2187 who dared. 

~+~

"I feel it again. The call to the Light." 

He sat, hands folded in front of him, shoulders hunched, and he felt throat-tight and sick. He stared at Vader's helmet, the crumbling ruin of Anakin Skywalker drifting like dust inside, and he breathed in and thought he tasted ash on his tongue. 

"Show me again. Show me the power of the Dark side." 

And he would finish what he started. 

" _And I will finish what you started_." 

~+~

She was just a girl, just a nameless girl from a desert planet, a no one, a scavenger, _nothing_ \-- 

She was strong in the Force, so much stronger than she knew-- 

She was tapping into her powers, she was learning who she was. How come they could all know who they were and he never could? Poe Dameron and FN-2187-now-Finn and the scavenger _Rey_. How come they all got to know? How come they never struggled? Never suffered? 

Why did they _get to know?_

~+~

His face burned and he screamed and the planet broke apart and he screamed and all was black-- 

~+~

"I know what I have to do. I don't think I have the strength to do it." 

"Ben." 

"Help me." 

"Anything, son. Anything. _Anything_." 

~+~

Solo's face glowed in the sputtering dying red as he sputtered and died, and Kylo Ren felt something sharp and frail like fibreglass cracking underneath the thin flesh of his heart. He leaned into the worn-soft hand of the man he had called his father and his eyes were wet and his arms shook. 

Solo fell, into the heart of darkness, and he watched him and wondered why he made it seem so easy. 

~+~

Solo died, and Mother's heart died with him.

~+~ 

He was Vader's. 

He was Snoke's. 

He was Organa's, but he broke her, and she would never, ever forgive him.

~+~

"Supreme Leader, he is unstable, he is an _animal_ \--" 

"Shut up, just _shut up_ \--" 

"He _cannot lead_ \--"

" _SHUT UP_ \--" 

~+~

The Knights of Ren were _his_ , they were _his_ they were, they were given to _him_. 

_You shall be Kylo Ren and you shall lead the Knights of Ren. You are named for the Knights of Ren. You are theirs, they are yours, you are one and the same_. 

(He was not _Ben_.) 

(He was barely even _Ren_.) 

~+~

 _It is time to complete your training_. 

But Solo was dead, he was dead and the Light was still clawing into his eyes, what was he supposed to do, _what was he supposed to do_ \-- 

~+~

Kylo Ren had never been Solo's. He had never been Skywalker's. 

He had always been Vader's. 

Always been Snoke's. 

_Always been Organa's_. 

~+~

"Forgive me, grandfather. Forgive me, forgive me." 

_Forgive me, Mother. Forgive me._

_**Forgive me**._

~+~

When he was thirty-one years old, Kylo Ren _drowned_ \--

(His mother held him under; 

she held him under; 

held him--)

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my Star Wars series, but a standalone, too. If that makes sense?
> 
> Make no mistake, I am not a Kylo Ren apologist. I am of the opinion that Kylo Ren's arc will lead into a grand self-destruction.


End file.
